Saturday, December 27, 2014

Happy tears

This was my actual 3am thoughts few days ago.

How can i have the mood for any celebration?
I really hate how stupid I am.
Since young, i was never good at anything.
I've neither talents nor good brains and basically I've nothing to be proud of.
As much as i hated myself for being so useless, i still have that small glimpse of hope.
Maybe, one day i can find something that i'm good at.
Because i disbelieve that "Nobody is good at nothing"
It's just a matter of time of when you will find it.

Have you ever felt this way before?
Of giving your utmost best but not receiving the result you desired?
I swear that is the most heartbreaking feeling on earth.
Reproaching yourself "what went wrong?" but you can't seem to understand why.
After you experienced once before, you will be like :
"Hell yeah, i'm gonna fuck this"
At the end, you still decided to try it again.
And you failed again.
But you just wanna try again even knowing the consequence;
that taking it will make your life more difficult.
Each time you fall, you tell yourself that "You will stand up and become more stronger"
Yea right, easier said than done.
Albert Einstein tried a hundredth times but he didn't give up.
But i'm not him, i'm a loser who can't afford to take failures so many times.
I wish i can just give up everything and say "I QUIT"
Because i know obviously that would make my life way easier.
I had enough of fretting over this stupid driving test when i don't even have a car to drive.
What's the point of taking it?
What's the point of spending so much on it ?
And i don't even understand what's the point of ranting all these shit.
Then again, i thought of my dad.
The one who wishes so badly for me to get a driving license.
The one who treats my driving license as though it's a glory.
The one who don't mind spending his hard-earned money like free flow
Simply just because he wanted me to learn this fucked up complicated driving.
I really wanted to give up so badly but i don't have the heart to crash my dad's hopes.

Life is just full of crap.
It's either you break your heart or his.

And trust me, the more times you take it ;
Yea you might be feeling more confident (at first)
But reality hits you real hard when you realised how much you spent.
Regardless of how unwilling you wanna spend, you still have to.

All of my driving instructors told me the same thing :
"You have the skills, all you need is Confidence"
Hell yea, I've everything except Confidence.
Especially when it comes to driving because EVERYTHING IS SO FUCKED UP.
It's like they expect you to figure out how experienced drivers think.
And some assholes drivers think that they are so fucking great- find signalling as a chore.
Which like wts, how you expect us to know where they are going when they don't signal?
When i think i'm right, i ended up being wrong.
When i think i'm wrong, my decision turned out to be right
Like seriously... How do you expect me to believe in myself?

Sorry for taking such a long time just to rant about driving.
I promise it's my last hahah 
Because i really couldn't take it .
Taking driving really mind-fucked me so so so badly...
There're so many times when i will just break down all of a sudden.
I swear the stress is really 3 times more than taking your O's
Excluding the fact that i'm an ultimate slow-learner with motion sickness syndrome
This is the first time I've ever been so serious in my whole entire life


I FUCKING DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really couldn't believe it :')
I'm so over the moon that i feel like i could die without regrets.
My first try was 32 points.
Second try was 46 points


Nevertheless, i wanna thank my devoted instructor(s) who never gave up on me.
And my most patient instructor who kept telling me “不要心急,慢慢来"
Without them, i bet i really couldn't survive throughout this ordeal.
I also believe that driving test also requires a bit of luck.
So so so thankful that the tester i got is GOD DAMN FRIENDLY.
Because i finally achieved something that i can really be proud of ^^ 
Life is good ~

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