Imperfections

Idk where to start from but i know i need to talk about this.
If not, i couldn't sleep.
Or maybe, the other alternative is crying myself to bed.


Frankly speaking,
I really find myself
A
TOTAL
FAILURE
I tried.
I tried really hard.
I tried my utmost best
To stop myself from thinking like that.
But sadly, it's the truth.


Well,
born being an extremely slow-learner,
born from a not well-to-do family,
born having no talents,
born being stupid,
born neither a pretty face nor a good character,
born without any luck,
born not achieving anything that i'm proud of
born being just a loner.


Yes, that's how pathetic i am.
And no, i'm not trying to gain any sympathy.
I'm blogging because this is the only platform for me to express my feelings.
Simply because i have no one to turn to.
I just find it pointless to find someone to talk about this.
Cuz i know what their reply will be .
"Aiya, have faith in yourself. Nobody is good at nothing "
Just trying to make me feel good but they didn't know indirectly, it hurts.
Nobody can understand how i feel.
How many times i was so devastated that i felt like just giving everything up.
How many times i cried over this issue.
How many times i wish i wasn't born


I kept questioning myself every time i screwed up.
Why can't i JUST do a single thing right?
Why can't i despite giving my utmost best?
Work. Love. Studies . Nothing works great.
I tried my best to believe in myself that "I can do it when there's a will"
WHAT A GREAT LIE. Omg, stupid enough to even believe it.
Every single time i tried to convince myself that " i can do it" ;
I screwed up BIG times. For real.
Basically, i just can't do anything right cuz
I JUST CAN'T, NO MATTER HOW FUCKING HARD I TRY.


Without any talent,
Not capable of doing anything right,
Nothing to be proud of ,
Yes, so fucking pathetic.
Cried for countless times because of this .
But not this time, I HAD ENOUGH.
Nothing change even if i cried day & night.
I'm still the failed me whom i despise the most.


There're many things in life ; i can forget/ forgive,
But this , i could not and will not..
Each time i think about this, my heart just sink all the way to the bottom.
And " everything just sucks"
Nobody can save me from this cuz it's my thing.




And now when i think about this,
I realised that i'm actually a very pessimistic/negative person.
I just appeared not like that.
I just tried my best to act like i'm not.
I just kept smiling when sometimes i have no reason to.

Pathetic much.
How i wish...
When someone mocked/critcised me,
I have smth to say " At least, i'm good at ..."
Apparently, there's nothing .



Yes, that's how pathetic my life is
Forever stuck with many flaws.
Forever incapable to doing anything right.
Forever alone.
So what am i gonna do ?
Kill myself so that i can be free from all these shits ?


Nope.
I'm not that stupid.
My life continues no matter how bad it gets.
It doesn't ends here just because odds are never in my favour.
Cuz i believe, one day it will.